I don't know why i get so upset about work. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm overworked and the only person working full time in my company. Things are going downhill and I've needed help for months and new boss doesn't seem to be interested in finding it. I'd be less annoyed if he'd wait until old boss leaves for good before tanking the biz, but i don't have control over other people. It also doesn't help that i work with fundamentalists, and the one that works mon, wed, & thurs insists on blasting right wing radio and regurgitating propaganda. it takes so much energy to try to stay calm that i get much less work done on those days. and did i mention that my new boss has a phobia about putting an ad in the paper? yeah, he thinks that finding someone from his church to work here is always the best answer. never mind the fact that everyone who isn't from his church here works harder and complains less. anyway...working here has increased my stress level exponentially. however, i don't have any other options right now. the job market is craptastic. i have signed up for accounting classes at tri-c, toward a 2 year accounting degree. hopefully i'll be able to get that and find something else. and hopefully i don't blow up in the mean time or the job market gets better. ::sigh::

February - sick

April - sick

June - sick

July - sick

September - sick

October - sick

getting a little tired of this

The in between time. The waiting. Slipping from one identity to the next. After one, before the other. This is the time I find the most maddening. Trying to rush it, trying to slam into the garden door does nothing but produce sadness and prolong the waiting. I can be immeasureably paitient if it suits me. But I'm tired. And it doesn't suit me.

But my body tells me to wait. Very clearly and loudly. There is no mistaking it's voice. It want's me to just be. Just for this moment, however long it lasts. What is coming will come in its time, not mine.

While I wait I ponder. I wonder at this odd ten year time span that seems to mark my endings and beginnings. Three distinct periods of my life now are measured in decades, each their own. I was an elementary school volleyball league administrator. I was a Bi Activist. I was a Belly Dancer. It's strange. It doesn't bother me at all. It's just strange. It matters little to me who I identify as at any given time, just as long as I'm not the same person twice. Perhaps the lack of longevity is because of this. Perhaps I become restless that I am thinking of myself as one thing for too long and must change to prove my wanderlust within myself.

I left one person I was out of the above. That is what I was before I was all those things. I was the glue, the center, the keeper of my family. I saw myself as that. Others saw that tendency within me. It was growing to be my expected role. I decided that I get to decide my role. That no one, not even my expectations could decide that for me. I decided this when I was diagnosed. That to become well I had to shed what I was to become who I was going to be. I rejected what I determined were the perceptions for me. I continue to reject what I and what I percieve others catagorize myself as. Whether others catagorize me as or not is actually inconsequential. It's all what I think of myself, simply different avenues of that perception.

I am continually rejecting myself. Saying, "Not good enough!" or "There is more!" I don't feel bad about this rejection. It does amuse me in its way. I find it odd. I don't know anyone who does this in their life in quite the same way. I know we all go from being one thing to another. We are rarely, any of us the same person for very long. But this moving from being something to being something else, seems much more a fluid transition in other people's lives. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps this is simply an outside observation of other people's lives.

My endings, when I try to look at them from outside myself, still, seem so abrupt. It seems so clear, that to me, anyone can look at the tenure of my activities and see exactly when I lit the match to that particular bridge. I may not have jumped off it yet, but it's pretty clear when the fire started.

Most of the time i've drifted to the next thing before the previous ends. The transition to has already started. There's an in between processing time but I focus pretty quickly on what's at hand. This time is different. I don't have another thing I'm working on. I just have me. This is the first time, in fifteen years, that the only thing I have to work on is myself. It's easy to reject a thing you do. It's easy to reject who you percieve in others that you are. The amusement value of totally destroying some-Thing I've built by being an unfiltered me, is just that. Amusement value from something I do. But you can't actually destroy your 'I AM' without completely pulling apart your entire understanding of everything you are, which has nothing to do with what you do. Not really.

Perhaps who I will be next, will just be me. No actions to describe what my role in society is. No perceptions of my actions as reflections of personality. Perhaps, the next journey, won't be one of a decade. Perhaps what I am waiting for, is me.

"When it comes to abortion, there is ONLY ONE moral question: Will women be fully emancipated human beings in control of their lives and reproduction OR will we be forced to submit to patriarchal male authority and to breed against our will? A woman who cannot decide for herself, without any shame, judgment or restrictions, when and whether she chooses to have a child, has no more freedom than a slave. The movement to forcibly deny women the right to abortion and to birth control is a movement to enslave women. With its aims, its methods, and its morality, there can be no compromise."

quote from Sunsara Taylor

You don't NEED a TV, or Playstation, or Cell Phone. You WANT a TV, or a Playstation, or a Cell Phone. I'm not adverse to giving people things they want when those things may be something that I have that I don't want. However, until you can explain to me how a Bowflex machine is a necessity rather than a want you'll be getting not a thing from me.

Ya know, my brain can shut up any time now.

For future reference, perhaps the best course of action, when going to see a potential room in a housemate situation, perhaps, is to NOT get high on illegal substances first. Damn, i mean, I'm liberal, but you don't know squat about me and I don't know squat about you, is that really what you want me to think living with you is like?

Sirens is performing at the Lakewood Art Walk. We'll be at Cyrano's Place at 3:15, 5:15, and 7:15. Sarka and I will be the stars of the first two sets, and the fabulous Rebekah will join us for the last set.

Woo hoo!

I'm really confused as to why there are two separate art walks scheduled for the same day in Lakewood. And it's kind of making me nervous. As much as I love for art of all kinds to be promoted, I'm not really interested in being in the middle of a crossfire of conflicting organizations.